Free Etiquette

With everyone pinching pennies, it comes as no surprise that the box office is hurting and Netflix subscriptions - starting at under $10 a month - are up. Netflix is a great alternative to the exorbitant prices at the cineplex, boasting a large selection of should-have-been-forgotten romantic comedies and world cinema so westernized that the only foreign element left on the screen is the language. It is also good for viewing porn discreetly; no more shady adult shops or awkward transactions with the underage staff at FYE. Netflix wins on multiple levels, for sure. Yet, it still costs money. For those people having to cut out even the most inexpensive of hobbies in order to get by, there is another outlet for watching movies.

The library. The library is awesome. I say this not only as a self-proclaimed nerd, but as an overall fan of free shit - granted this "shit" is not shit in terms of quality. Libraries are free and have tons of good material to pull from. Libraries, in addition to books, have DVD sections. These DVD sections, while not as vast as the Netflix catalogue, are worth checking out. Many include films from a diverse assortment of genres, including independent American cinema, Italian neorealism, French new wave, along with a few other revolutionary artistic movements that most people couldn't be payed to fake interest in. Free is free, though. Dumbfucks will eventually be forced to engage with some intelligent content, even if it's at the cost of everyone's 401(k).

The system is not perfect, however. There is a core problem with how we perceive the things we get for free. Consider the word worthless for a moment. Worthless, as defined by Dictionary.com, means "without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing." The part of the definition stating "without...value" has been stretched to include "that which was acquired at no charge." Free things are marked as worthless, and are treated accordingly.

Nowhere can this definitional perversion be seen with more heinous clarity than in DVD sections of the public library. Here we have an amazing resource of free shit, and it gets treated like the doormat to a crackhouse. Seven out of ten DVDs from the library are damaged beyond playability. Wear and tear due to constant use is not what I'm talking about. I recently checked out Blood Simple from one of my local public libraries and found it unplayable; it looked like someone had rigorously scrubbed the surface with exfoliating facial cream. Since DVDs don't suffer from blackheads, it makes me wonder whether or not people intentionally mutilate the discs.

Oddly enough, library books are not met with the same level of desecration as library DVDs. Sure, there may be the occasional illustration of popular cartoon characters banging one another in the margins, but the book is still usable, and such diversions might even help readers get through some of the more bothersome literary works. ("Ah. That was fun. Now back to Walden.") Contrary to the secondary book artist, the imbecile who uses the DVD as a drink coaster renders it unusable. Unusable is unacceptable. Below is a picture of how to avoid such careless destruction of communal property.


Look at the cute kid. Look how happy it is. It probably has a copy of Ratatouille in its hand, excited to the see the CGI tomfoolery that will ensue when the disc is placed in the DVD player. Wait. Look again. See the surface of the disc? Are there any scratches on it? Certainly not. Someone has been holding it correctly: between thumb and pointer finger, not touching the surface. Wait...what's that? Who's holding it correctly? It's a fucking kid.

If children can ensure the functionality of DVDs, there's no excuse for adults not to. We can do this. We can restore our local library's film section. Let's keep it free and playable.

Don't let me catch you holding the DVD like a sandwich, because I'll be coming for you.