Woe is Howard Jones

I'll admit it. I love me some scandalous music news. Stuff that would be reported in an US Weekly for hardcore and metal; beef between bands, non-amicable breakups and other such happenings. When I was younger, it was a treat to read the never-ending fountain of hilarious garbage which emanated from Fred Durst's mouth - unintentional comedy at its finest ("Lay off the hatorade"). But lately it seems like there hasn't been much drama to go around. The last memorable story I remember was the infamous Canadian border stop of Brain Drill from a couple years back (If you don't know what I'm talking about, definitely check that story here. And if you're too lazy to do that, just know that now whenever the band gets mentioned in an online newsbit, it will be followed by an endless string of comments reading, "They stripped me naked had me lift my ballsack up so they could check underneath it, and then had me bend over and spread my asscheeks apart so they could look inside my asshole.")

Fortunately, Howard Jones of Killswitch Engage has brought back the scene sideshow. Here is the story as reported by ThePRP.

Rumors have been running rampant for weeks now regarding the reason why Killswitch Engage frontman Howard Jones stepped down from the band during the bands current headlining tour. ThePRP has now exclusively learned that Jones temporarily stepped down from his position as a result of allegedly getting pornstar Allie Foster pregnant.

To date Foster’s claims have not been verified publicly by the band themselves. However, the situation looks to have since taken a turn for the worse with Foster posting the following statement on her official Twitter page:

“Howard Jones of Killswitch engage, meet TMZ and your bitter baby momma coming with sweet sweet fuckin revenge you dirtbag.”

Foster also posted a photo of her ‘baby bump’ of what is alleged to be Jones‘ child here. Meanwhile, further postings on Foster’s Twitter account have shed more light on the situation with Foster alleging that she is 4 months pregnant with Jones‘ child. Amongst some other disparaging remarks directed towards Jones, she also revealed that Jones has been insisting on her having an abortion.

Couldn't have scripted it better myself. For the sake of entertainment, let's hope this drags out into a long, ugly mess. Yes, it's terrible that a baby is tied up in this. But the kid's mom is a pornstar, so the inclusion of baggage is a forgone conclusion; I think there's something in the Bible about children inheriting the sins of their parents...oh whatever, for as Vonnegut said, "So it goes."

And just in case you missed the link.


LESSON TO BE LEARNED: If your cheese makes adult films, rawdogging it should never enter into the equation, regardless of the fact that her profession would seem to indicate a comprehension of the pill schedule for birth control. Keep it simple: if a fat guy isn't holding a camera, you aren't in the clear. Better yet: if your cheese makes adult films, it's time to get some new cheese. Try something besides Kraft Singles.